Changes

Thanksgiving...18 months later!!!

2010-11-24T23:34:00.000-08:00

Wow, it has been 18 months since I have written last. So many things to be thankful for in my life. I am thankful for life. I am thankful for Mark and Madeline and Luke. I am thankful for my parents and for my sisters. I am thankful for my in-laws. A lot has changed in my life and for that I am thankful. I am truly blessed as I have never been blessed before.

Blessings...

2009-05-04T19:24:00.000-07:00

For the past 2 months, I have not counted my blessings. I have been sad. I have been unmotivated and withdrawn. But today, during lunch with a good friend, and last week at my Uncle Abe's funeral, I was reminded of my blessings.
I will start with the blessings of Family. They are the foundation on which we are grounded. They are chosen by God for us. They are intricately woven like a rug on a loom. Families are complicated, but in the end they are the beginning. I was honored to have spent my Uncle Abe's final days with him. He was at my facility for care following a hospital stay and he spent his last 5 weeks there. I looked in on him in the morning, encouraged him throughout the day and said goodbye at the end of each day. My cousins were so grateful to me, but I am the one who is grateful. I got to know my uncle a little bit better. I got to talk to him about my Grandma. I got to thank him for the Strawberry Shortcake picture he painted for me when I was about 4 years old. I got to dye Easter Eggs with him and I got to bake him a Birthday cake with homemade fudge frosting...I am blessed. Several family members spoke during the Rosary and I learned things about Uncle Abe that I hadn't known before. I am blessed to have the family that I do. I am blessed to have an amazing husband who will sit and comfort me when I am sad and who reassures me that everything will be allright. I am blessed to have a beautiful, smart, and intuitve little girl who tells me, "mommy, I just love you." She is a gift that I am so thankful for. I am so blessed. I have wonderful sisters. They would do anything for me. I can trust them with my life. They are my best friends. My parents are supportive and loving and want only the best for my sisters, our spouses and our children. Mark's parents are wonderful too. They want happiness for us all. I am so blessed. I have incredible friends. Some are old, some are new. All have come into my life to bless me. They challenge me. I can laugh and cry with them. I can find joy with them. I am blessed. I was reminded of the scripture today, " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
I used to find my strength in my faith. But as life changes, and our blessings seem fewer, I waiver a bit with my faith. Somewhere in the Bible it says God doesn't give us more than we can handle (Obviously I can't quote it word for word...). I think its true. There is a time and a place for everything. And for for those moments, people, memories...I AM BLESSED!!!!! So count your blessings daily and be thankful for the gifts you have recieved. This is the challenge I have made for myself!

Stormy Days

2009-04-17T19:13:00.000-07:00

Today has been a rainy, snowy, cloudy day. Sometimes I can relate to Mother Nature. Since our loss, I have good days and sad days...On my sad days, I sit and wonder what could have been. I wonder if I could have done anything to change the plan that God had for our beautiful Grace. I feel pain. I feel like a dark cloud is hanging over my head. I think about all of the firsts that I would miss with this child: first smile, first long stretch of sleep, first tooth, first cold, first steps, first words. I think about what she would look like. Would she look like Madeline? Would she look like Mark? Would she look like me? And then I remind myself..."no silly!!! She would look like Grace." She would be tiny. She would have perfect fingers and toes. She would have at beautiful smile!!! (Just like her big sister!)
When we were at the hospital, Father Ricci came to visit. He saw Grace. He blessed the family that was present. He told me..."Grace is perfect in Heaven." That was exactly what I needed to hear. Would she be able to see the beauty in roses or orchids? Would she be able to smell fresh baked bread? Of course she would! She would be in heaven where everything is perfect and beautiful and full of life! She wouldn't have to feel pain or hunger or illness. She would be surrounded by Grandma Mollie, Grandpa Gus, Grandma Delores, Grandpa Victor and Grandpa Alex...She would know her Aunt Becky and her Aunt Staci. They would love her and nurture her and tell her all about her family. They would rock her to sleep...everything would be PERFECT!!!!!
You might wonder how I get through those bad days...I will tell you! Madeline is my sunshine. She lights up the room when she laughs and when she smiles! She reminds me how very precious life is. She sings, she tells stories about her Care Bear friends. She snuggles with me. She colors me pictures. Madeline is a very intuitive little girl. She asks questions about when she will have a little sister...I tell her that we have to wait a little bit longer. She is patient and knows when I am sad. She is AMAZING!!!
Her birthday is in 2 days. I cannot believe she will be three. Time goes by so quickly. Life is precious. I need to learn to savor every moment and look for the sunshine in everyday. Whether it is through Madeline, Mark, a patient at work, or a friend, the sunshine is there. I just have to be open to seeing it, instead of searching for it. As our stormy day comes to an end the sunshine is hanging out in the same room as me!!!

Moments in my life...

2009-04-14T19:29:00.000-07:00

For as long as I can remember, I have been a good historian when it comes to significant life events. These are events that have changed me into the person I am today. Some examples...the loss of loved ones, the day I met the love of my life (Mark), my first TEC weekend, the kindness of strangers reaching out to me, the day I met Danielle, the births of my nephews, the day I got engaged, my wedding day, the day I found out I was pregnant with Madeline, the day I delivered her, the day I found out I was pregnant with Grace, the day I found out I would lose her, my birthday and Sarah's birthday...the day we welcomed and said goodbye to Grace.
On February 26th 2009, we went to the Doctor for a routine ultrasound. We were going to find out the sex of our baby, see her and hear her heart beat. We did all of those things. We found out we were having another beautiful baby girl. We saw her and we heard her heart beat. That day, our worst fears were also confirmed...Our baby had severe brain abnormalities, and severe facial deformities. We were going to lose our baby.
For four days we waited anxiously for an appointment with a specialist who was to comfirm or discount the findings seen at our initial appointment. On Monday, March 2 (my Birthday), we ( Mark, Marni and myself) sat in an ultrasound room to see the 3D images of our baby. She was perfect...she was our baby...but she wasn't developed as we had hoped and prayed. Her life line was the umbilical cord through me. The doctor discussed all of our options. We made the heartbreaking decision to have an early induction. We went to the hospital to beging the induction at 6pm. Grace was delivered at 8:59a.m. Tuesday, March 3 (Sarah's Birthday). She weighed 5 ounces, and was 8 inches long...
She was named Grace because she was conceived by the Grace of God. She lived in me by the Grace of God. And, she was brought into this world to change my life, again, by the Grace of God.
I never thought this would happen to me. As a friend said, I am now a member of a club that no woman should ever have to join. I am sad. I am broken. I am brokenhearted. I am devastated. I am hopeful. I am grateful.
I have a beautiful little girl who is my light, my smile, my reason. I have an amazing husband who is the love of my life, my best friend and my strength. Please join me in my journey as it is one more change in my life...