Stormy Days

Today has been a rainy, snowy, cloudy day. Sometimes I can relate to Mother Nature. Since our loss, I have good days and sad days...On my sad days, I sit and wonder what could have been. I wonder if I could have done anything to change the plan that God had for our beautiful Grace. I feel pain. I feel like a dark cloud is hanging over my head. I think about all of the firsts that I would miss with this child: first smile, first long stretch of sleep, first tooth, first cold, first steps, first words. I think about what she would look like. Would she look like Madeline? Would she look like Mark? Would she look like me? And then I remind myself..."no silly!!! She would look like Grace." She would be tiny. She would have perfect fingers and toes. She would have at beautiful smile!!! (Just like her big sister!)
When we were at the hospital, Father Ricci came to visit. He saw Grace. He blessed the family that was present. He told me..."Grace is perfect in Heaven." That was exactly what I needed to hear. Would she be able to see the beauty in roses or orchids? Would she be able to smell fresh baked bread? Of course she would! She would be in heaven where everything is perfect and beautiful and full of life! She wouldn't have to feel pain or hunger or illness. She would be surrounded by Grandma Mollie, Grandpa Gus, Grandma Delores, Grandpa Victor and Grandpa Alex...She would know her Aunt Becky and her Aunt Staci. They would love her and nurture her and tell her all about her family. They would rock her to sleep...everything would be PERFECT!!!!!
You might wonder how I get through those bad days...I will tell you! Madeline is my sunshine. She lights up the room when she laughs and when she smiles! She reminds me how very precious life is. She sings, she tells stories about her Care Bear friends. She snuggles with me. She colors me pictures. Madeline is a very intuitive little girl. She asks questions about when she will have a little sister...I tell her that we have to wait a little bit longer. She is patient and knows when I am sad. She is AMAZING!!!
Her birthday is in 2 days. I cannot believe she will be three. Time goes by so quickly. Life is precious. I need to learn to savor every moment and look for the sunshine in everyday. Whether it is through Madeline, Mark, a patient at work, or a friend, the sunshine is there. I just have to be open to seeing it, instead of searching for it. As our stormy day comes to an end the sunshine is hanging out in the same room as me!!!